More of my Life

Well up to this point I was feeling lonely for my mom. I didn't understand why this happened. I just had mixed feelings.
So, my dad and step mom married in KY. We brought everything of theirs to our small house in Columbia city. Then we moved to Fort Wayne. To a 3 bedroom house with a 1/2 Unfinished basement. And I forgot to mention that when they met, my sister and Jason, her oldest, started dating. Sounds kind of weird. I know. But then that became a serious relationship too. My dad was not very nice to her kids. He made them sleep in the basement. Unfinished, remember. And he did alot of other things that I hope he repented of and I am sure hopeful he is really sorry for them. I don't understand why my step mom let her chiildren get treated like they did. Then Stephanie ended up pregnant. they then got married as well. They lived with us for a while. they ended up having 3 kids (2 girls and a boy) and then twins (girl/boy).
So, all through this time in our lives my dad still did not get along with Don. They always argued. But then so did my step mom and dad. My dad, in case you haven't learned by now, likes to argue. There was constantly an argument. So I think that he was part of the reason my step mom and I aren't closer than we are. I hated that growing up. I wanted a loving mother. She did teach me to cook and clean and so on. But there was never that affection. My dad was always really nice to me. But then that made the other kids mad at me all the time. I hated that too. I found myself wishing he would just treat me like the others so at least I would have them. My dad still did not let me see my grandma besides maybe 2-3 times a year. I loved going to grandmas. there were never fights, and I love her so much! I was so mad at my dad for not letting me see her more often. And I always hated coming home.
So then when I turned 11 my dad and step mom joined a Pentecostal church. I had alot of fun with the youth there. But only when I was allowed to be with them. My dad still was very strict and didn't let me do much at all. I hated this too. I wanted to be anywhere besides home. I was baptized when I was 12. I still went to public school, so when I became pentecostal it was hard. I had to wear skirts all the time, no cutting hair, no tv and so on. This was hard but I did it because I did love Jesus and thought this was the only way to live if you did. And I wanted to fit in with the kids at church. I always wondered about my dad and the way he lived. He didn't change much of how he acted except no drinking and he shaved his face clean of hair. I always prayed to Jesus growing up to never let my heart be hardened like my dad's. And to make my heart soft and love everyone. I never wanted to live like he lived. He didn't show love for anyone. But I know he had a really tough up-bringing. So I feel bad for him now too.
I turned to dating alot. But I use "dating" loosely. I didn't really get to go out with anyone. My dad wouldn't let me. Finally he let me when I was about 17. But there were very strict rules. But I liked to be noticed by boys. I wanted someone to really love me for me. To unconditionally love me no matter what.. I found out that boys didn't really do that at this age. :)
So then when I graduated high school I went to work at Sweetwater Sound. This changed my life forever. I decided to move out because my dad still wouldn't let me do anything. I was almost 19 and still couldn't even go with friends much. I was done with the life. I was done with my parents fighting all the time. Done with them fighting over me, done with hating my life. So I moved in with a friend from church. But then I got caught up in all of the things at Sweetwater and the people there. So I moved out of my friends from church and moved in with a girl from work. I then tried alot of things. And dated alot there too.
Then I met Aaron at Sweetwater. When I first met him I didn't realize he was married with a kid. I just knew he was a DJ on the radio too. We worked in opposite sides of the building, so I didn't meet him until like 6 months or so after I started there. And when I did meet him it wasn't love at first sight. I was too wrapped up in another person. So then I found out that he was married but that they were having troubles. So I was like no way.. not getting involved with that. I didn't want anyone with baggage. So then they separated and we got together. We just talked for a while. Then when we started "dating" we moved in together. WE moved in with a mutual friend from Sweetwater. (At this time I barely talked to my Dad). Then we decided to move to an apartment of our own. It was at Coliseum Park. At this time Julian's mom was very upset. And for good reason. They weren't divorced yet. so I did feel bad. I questioned alot of times what I was doing. Aaron assured me he was never happy with her and so on. So then she started doing really mean things to me. Like calling my dad. (Which I just loved considering how I was already on his bad side for moving out and not going to church anymore.) And there was just alot of drama. Like I said, I felt like I deserved it at this point and I did feel bad for her. I hadn't met Julian yet. We decided that was not a good idea at this time. But then when I met him he was about 2 1/2. He was so cute. And I was struggling with the idea of what I had done to his family. But Aaron still swears to this day that he would have left regardless. It was not me that made him. But that didn't help with my guilt. No matter how mean she was to me I would just take it. I felt like I deserved it. (By the way, now it is much better between us. For the most part).

Well that is where I will stop for now.
Please don't think like I am feeling like a victim. I am not. I am just sharing how I felt.